Lets take an another example.
A friend of mine is in relationship with an upwardly mobile woman who owns her own house and and has a great job.
Now I knew her before I knew him and basically hooked them up together.
He was in school, working a dead end job till he got where he wanted to be.
She wanted to get married at the time, he wanted no part of it because he didn't feel like he was on equal footing or had a right to make any decisions at all, I mean she had it all any way, so what can he say?
His insecurity about the relationship forced him to demand more of himself.
She is real old school with it, and believes that "man" should take the "rightful" place as head of the house hold.
Her question of course is he that man?
And he questioned it himself, on if he is that man.
Trying to find his way in life led him to California were he is working on a popular talk show, he now feels comfortable to ask her to marry him and move out there with him.
She says yes, and is going to give up everything in Georgia, including house and career to go out there.
Now for some this is some old Hollywood type wonderful mess.
But for me that doesnt sit right.
Only because I know that this cute little lady was involved with an upwardly mobile man prior to my homeboy, were she wind up engaged.
The dude she was with owned his own house and business, and "demanded"
that she move in with him and sell her house.
She said no, he said F-U, and than next thing you know her mother is trying to calm her down as she stands outside his house with a gallon of gasoline one night trying to decide if she wants to burn him and his place down.
Now here is a man who has it all, but she want to kill him despite the fact that he wanted to make her his wife.
She winds up packing everything up to go out west with a dude who is still trying to get it together, but was unwilling to commit to her because he felt he had no leverage.
What was the difference?
Your guess is as good as mine, but she decided that she was willing to give up independence for one and not the other.
The only thing I can think of is that it came down to ego, and power.
She felt that her ego was bruised with her first love and she recognized that she would have no control in the relationship if she submitted.
With my homeboy she felt that since he was just now coming into his own that she was more comfortable because it was not him making it happen it was "we" making it happen.
Of course he is in love so he does not see it that way and I'll be damn if I point it out.
I want those two knuckle heads to go to the grave together just so I can say I hooked them up.
But in short it comes down to power in a relationship in a society were men are taught to not give it up and women through there new found independence are hell bent, rightly so in many cases, on redefining what it means to be in a relationship.
Part 3 next week.