I haven't heard from Ms. Bootystar for a minute so when I get a call from her earlier this week I was surprised to hear from her but not as surprised as the topic she decided to call about which was why and how she broke up with her ex.
I am not sure why I was the one "blessed" to be the shoulder to be cried on but I was curious anyway so I listened.
Apparently dude's ex wife called on him during the holidays for chit chat and some how he felt it was a good idea to tell Ms. Bootystar.
She gets to asking him how he felt about that and he says well he doesn't know.
I flinch, wrong answer, I'm thinking, dead wrong.
She, full of pride and and jealousy, tells him to step and hear I am listening to her vent, she is all on the phone indignant that he has the nerve to answer the phone and carry on a conversation with his ex-wife, despite the fact that he spent the holidays with her not the ex.
Now mind you this woman is still legally married to her ex which she has been separated from for the last 7 years.
Now I am only half paying attention to her now cause....well....I'm just not a Lifetime channel type of dude.
I'm saying, the woman overreacted and may have ruined a "good thing for her" with that mouth of hers.
So to get her off the phone I tell her some old Dr. Phil shit like "well the man did not cheat on you, he has history with her so he cant completely shut her out, and here he is being honest about it and your punishing him for it, your feelings are natural but you allowed them to control you and cloud your judgement............
...................AND YOUR STILL MARRIED".
Come the hell on, exactly what dude is supposed to take you seriously if you still got paper work on you unless he sees that as an excuse not to commit to you which means you don't even have to think about walking down that isle again, you are now the life time girlfriend, and keep on having diarrhea of the mouth and you will be downgraded to jump off.
But as typical with someone with an ego that has gotten out of hand over time, they do no wrong and they are wronged by everyone.
I spent over an hour on the phone listening to the sob story about how he has the audacity this she did this blah, blah, blah...........
.............and anyone who knows me, knows I hate talking on the phone for more than 5 minutes let alone an hour.
I finally convince her she should give it more thought than the the quick fire response she gave it and at last got her off the phone.
Next day I get a call from her saying that she is back with her boyfriend, (I should have gotten a damn check).
Congratulation, bye is what is getting ready to come out of my mouth till she say she want to thank me by giving me a corner piece for my place.
I have no idea what that is but I am all ears at this point, but at the same time cautious, cause this is the same chick that was supposed to cough up a hook up on some furniture but didn't come through.
She goes on to tell me it's her way of saying thanks for listening and being a friend.
I guess there is something to this nice guy bit.
She invites me to pick up the piece over at her house, so I make my move to her spot with the quickness.
I get to her front door and this woman answers it wearing a t-shirt that reaches to her thighs.
I KNOW SHE AIN'T WEARING PANTIES.
Just like I know the sky is blue,
bears shit in the woods,
the New York Knicks suck big this year,
and Obama is still President.
Normally I would be pleased by such a initiative shown by a woman who knows what she wants, especially if what she wants is me, but the truth is I am more annoyed that she thinks she can play me with such ease.
I ain't in the mood for the games so I make sure to keep arm distance as I enter the spot, and act like I am blind as hell engaging in small talk all the while she is standing there as casually as can be acting like she is dressed for church.
She walks me to the piece and the best way I can describe it is a mahogany open 4 shelves thing that literally fits in the corner of the walls, (I really need to learn how to upload pics from my cell to the computer).
It's something I wouldn't have thought to get for my self but I figure it will give me points with guest for having such good taste.
Now before I can tell her thank you she decides to take a book she left on the bottom shelf off, bending at the waist to do so.
Yup...you got it....up goes the bottom of the T and there she is flashing me her caramel moon that has caused many a man to have gone mad from staring into it's shining bright promises.
The tits on this chick I tell you....
I cant lie I was stuck looking at that celestial fat cat from the back with it's sideways Cheshire grin that seemed to purrrrrrr my name ever so gently promising me that it would get louder and sweeter if I came closer.
But I ain't biting literally or figuratively, not this little bird, so when she turns around I make like I was looking at something else.
I move like a hustler closing the deal on a con, all the while keeping her out of my reach, I keep the convo brisk and short all the while grabbing the shelf, thanking her, and making my way out the door.
I can tell she is confused by my break away and that confusion is my cloud under which I make my escape.
When I get in the car and pull off, I cant help but smirk at the whole thing.
Play me will you?
No sweet cheeks, I am the big game hunter around these parts, I do the stalking.
But of course nothing is ever as simple as that with her, I get a call while on the road from her in a voice that's very business like asking me when I was going to clean her car.
Here she goes, "I need my car clean, that's a fair trade".
I know damn well we didn't discuss this or else I would of said hell no, but to late now, I already decided to keep the piece.
I want to argue the point but why even bother, I might as well be talking to the wall than her, Id get the same results, me talking to myself.
So I tell her when she is ready to let me know and I'll do it.
That reminds me I need to get a new phone.....................