Thursday, December 13, 2007

True Story 2: Pride.

Pride is a terrible thing. It keeps you from saying things that should be said like, I am sorry.

This past weekend I sinned I called a woman a bitch, my Ex to be exact, she as usual found my buttons and pressed them and as usual instead of leaving it alone I went at it, over the silliest thing, a text message.

A little history my ex, will call her DQ, met through a mutual friend in 2001, I was going about my life pretty care free as always when we met and I guess you can say we fell in"love" I damn sure was not looking for it, or at least that is what I thought than but considering the type of person she was and the type I am I really do not know what we saw on each other.

I think we were just looking for something and we both settled for each other.

I was in college, she never graduated from high school, I had no kids she had two little girls that I fell for.

She had no ambition I had some.

We wound up living together.

The moment I moved in things went to hell.

I wont get into details about it, I will save that for later when I can be more objective about it, besides if you were to ask her I am sure she has her own version of things.

Some how we remained friends (or rather I her friend again I'll explain later) after words.

Back to the point, Sunday she sends me a chain letter text, one of those text messages that go like a chain letter were you have to send it off to people.

She did this on my work cell phone one where everything you do on it is a charge.

She does it all the time. I asked her to stop before but she keeps on going and I always laugh or joke it off.

Not this time, this time I am stressed about exams and work and family I am in no mood.

I use humor as a coping skill to deal with the stress but it was not working this weekend.

So when I asked her for the umpteenth time to quit it I got the usual NO.

I asked her again she says no.

I called her an asshole she says "yeah but you like this asshole".

That's when I said it, "fuck you bitch" and I meant it.

We go at it on the phone swear each other to hell and that I am sure is the end of the tragic love that was between Clnmike and Dq.

I hated I said it after the fact now, I have been trying to change my ways for a while now and I thought I had a good handle on things.

But she got to me or rather I let her get to me.

I knew the type of person she was and I still bit the bait.

I am not mad with her now I am mad with my self, I should of left her alone a long time ago but dragged my feet about it.

I want to say to her hey I am sorry that was wrong of me you did not deserve that I am an asshole, but I cant, not to her, not after the things that I went through with her.

My pride wont let me, instead it says curse her out some more, tell her what you really think of her.

Let her know that you could care less if she lives or dies.

That's what pride is telling me, and I cant shake it off right now.

I'll sleep on it, pray on it, work on it, but right now I am going to leave it alone.

That's all I can think of for right now.